Jenn (jensucks) wrote in wheres_the_sam,

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Lost Part 4

YES! The muses FINALLY decided to co-operate on this one and gave me some more goodness! Let me know what you think!!!

Title: Lost Part 4
Author: jensucks
Rating: FRT for language and adult situations
Disclaimer: Sadly I don’t own anyone…and if I did, they would probably take them away from me for abusing them so much :P
Spoilers: None Completly AU
Content Warning: INCREDIBLY dark and disturbing. MAJOR bad language usage, drug themes and references, violence and character death. This Chapter involves scenes of a sexual nature, and more dark disturbing behaviour.

|Part 1| Part 2| Part 3

When I awake early the next morning, she’s not there anymore, holding me close, keeping me safe. It’s just me in a dirty old alley, using the lid of a trashcan as a pillow. I groan and sit up, the shakes were gone…for now anyways, but I felt like I had been put through a wood chipper. I run my hand through my hair and manage to get to my feet, glancing around to make sure no one was nearby to take me back. There was no back for me now, only forward, and I was going to do everything in my power to see to that. I straighten myself up and head into the street, hailing a cab and giving the cabbie instructions to my apartment before leaning back into the cool pleather seats and closing my eyes. I needed a nap, and a shower…a nice score and then I would call a band meeting.

I fell asleep in the back of the cab, with dreams of Neela and I dancing through my head. More memories then fabrications, the good times we had…some of the bad ones too but all of them seem so stupid now, pointless compared to the biggest bad thing that could ever happen to us, her death. I wake up to the feeling of the cabby’s plastic hula dancer from his dashboard connect with my head.

“Get out of my cab you lazy transient!” he spits at me with a thick accent from some Middle Eastern country, which I couldn’t pinpoint, I had always sucked in guessing accents, hell I thought Luka was Pakistani when I first met him. The only accent I knew and cared about was hers anyways.

“Did you hear me? Get the hell out of my cab before I call the cops on your dirty druggie ass!” he repeats, throwing an ashtray this time. Thankfully I had recovered enough to duck that out and reach for the door handle, slipping out and yanking my wallet from my pocket, tossing him a couple bills, short on what I owed him but he didn’t deserve the whole thing. If I wasn’t AWOL from a hospital I would call the cops on him for assault.

He peels off quickly, obviously pissed off, so I flip him off in reply before heading up into my apartment and doing all the things I had said I needed. I strip down right after I close the door, tossing my clothes anywhere, finding myself glad I had kept the whole “hiding the spare key” thing that Neela had me do when she lived with me, otherwise I woulda been bothering my super, and I doubt he would appreciate that at 5am. I yawn as I head for the shower, scratching my naked chest as I turn the water on as hot as it would go and step inside.

Just as I’m standing under the stream, letting the hot water run over my tired cold body, I hear a pounding at my door. I sigh and debate on whether or not to just ignore it until whoever it was went away when the shouting begins too, another familiar voice, female, concerned and scared is enough to get me out.

“Ray I know you’re in there! Ray Please answer the door!” Sam’s voice rang out through my apartment as I flicked the water off and grabbed a towel, heading to the door and opening it.

She breezes into the apartment, and I shut the door behind her, gripping my towel with my broken arm awkwardly, turning to her confusion written all over my face.
“Sam what’s up its 5am?” I say, my voice cracked and tired

“What’s up?” She replies confused and slightly angry “Ray you took off from the hospital, I’ve been looking all over for you. We are all worried…”

I shake my head “I’m fine Sam…I’ll be fine. How’s Pratt?”

She sighs, “He’s fine.” She answers “But you clearly are not.” She indicates my cast with her head “You’re not supposed to get that wet Ray it will ruin the plaster.”

I look down at my cast, fingers poking out barely enough to keep my towel up. I had completely forgotten about covering my cast before I showered, was still kinda out of it, half asleep, body still fighting off the powerful need to get high. “Yeah…guess I kinda wasn’t thinking…” I say still staring down at my cast.

She sighs again and frowns before kicking off her shoes and walking further into my apartment, heading for the kitchen and rummaging around. “Do you have any plastic grocery bags?” She asks

I nod and reply “Under the sink.”

She retrieves a couple and walks back over to me, I switch towel holding hands and she starts wrapping my arm up, tucking the ends of the bag under my cast with a frown as she works. “This place is a mess.” She mumbles “After your shower we are going to fix it up you can’t live like this…”

“We?” I ask, finding myself even more confused now then I was before

She looks up at me with a ‘no duh’ expression and nods “Yes Ray. I am going to stay here and help you get better. You won’t go to the hospital, the hospital will come to you.” She lets go of my cast and steps away, eyeing me as if waiting for something. “Well…lead the way.”

I give her a confused look “What? Sam I can shower by myself thanks…” I say as I pull my towel up a little more, as if I only now realized that I was standing there half naked.

She rolls her eyes. “Don’t flatter yourself Ray. I’m a professional nurse, specially trained in not taking advantage of helpless patients. So stop being a baby and lead the way to the bathroom so we can get it over with.”

I sigh. She was right I was being a baby. There was no reason to think Sam would want anything out of me. She was a friend; she was concerned about me she just wanted to help. I nod and start back for the bathroom with her right behind me, switching hands on my towel again as I reach for the shower knobs to turn it back on. Suddenly, a thought hits me. Why wouldn’t Sam want me? I’m not some fat ugly guy, I’m hot I know it, she’s hot, I had always noticed that…I start to wonder how she would react if I tried to kiss her, if I undressed her…what was that thing in that Scottish drug movie, about how Heroine killed your libido, and when you got off the smack it came back…well, those guys really did their research.

I drop my towel and step into the shower. Sam grabs my broken arm and holds it outside the shower so it wouldn’t get wet as I grab the soap and start to lather my chest.
“You ok with that?” she asks, to which I reply with a short nod. “Ok. You do your body, I’ll get your hair.” She grabs my shampoo and squirts some into my hair, frowning in disgust “How much gel do you have in here?” she asks, “This is disgusting…”

“It’s a mixture of gel and peanut butter.” I reply as I rinse off my chest and work on my arms. “It’s an old punk trick, only way to get it to stay up perfectly.”

“Gross…” she replies as she works the mixture from my hair, tilting my head a little so the soap wouldn’t run into my eyes. I hadn’t ever notice how caring and gentle she was, no wonder she was such a good mom to that kid of hers, despite his behaviour problems.

I turn to face her, a snide remark about my concoction on my tongue, but instead of coming out and saying it, I stand there dumbly with my mouth half open, watching her frown as she gets the last of the crap out of my hair, and I can’t help but notice how hot she looked when she was concentrating on something…god Damnit this was getting ridiculous! And it probably wasn’t going to go away anytime soon…not like I could flick on some porn and beat this shit outta my system, Sam made it pretty clear she wasn’t leaving anytime soon…so what the hell was I supposed to do?

Without even thinking, I lean forward and kiss her deeply, my brain half confused as to where the idea for that came from, half urging me to continue. She seemed to resist at first, bit I kept kissing her, pulling her closer to me urgently, and by the time I managed to pull her into the shower with me, she seemed as into it as I was. Soon we are no longer in the shower, but my bedroom, with Sam stripped down to just her underwear, my lips slowly traveling across her collar bone and down her neck as we make our way to the bed, my towel long gone, the blood rushing through me, and for the first time since Neela’s death, I felt alive.

I get her on the bed, slowly sliding her bra straps down and off her shoulders as I move my kisses to her perky breasts, earning a soft moan of approval from her. God this felt so good…I had been celibate since the accident…groupies had come and gone but I hadn’t ever slept with any of them. The hard drugs and my overall apathy kept me from ever going as far as I was now, and now I realized how stupid of me that was. This was what I needed, a good release to break the tension, ease me up a bit…that’s how I could get past this, move on until I was ready to see Neela again.

I get Sam’s bra undone and toss it to the floor, moving between her breasts and down her stomach now, hands sliding down her sides slowly and seductively until I reach the hem of her panties. I begin to slide the material down her legs as she sits up suddenly, pulling away and shaking her head. “Wait Ray…” she says, doubt filling her voice “We can’t do this it’s not…your grieving and I am doing…exactly what I said I wasn’t going to do…” she pushes me off her legs and moves to get off the bed. But before she could, I roll into her way, sitting up to face her again, cupping her cheek gently.

“Sam you’re not taking advantage. I made the first move, I did the seducing…I want this…more then anything I want this…here, now …with you.” I lean in to kiss her but she backs away, covering her breasts with her arms and shaking her head again.

“No Ray you think you want this but you don’t…all you want is Neela…” She moves away from me again.

I frown and grab her shoulder roughly with my good hand, bringing her back. “No Sam, I want you.” I say roughly, having no idea what the hell I was doing, why I wasn’t letting her go before this became even more complicated and awkward.

“Last night you tried to kill yourself so you could be with her Ray. You can’t tell me that all of a sudden you are over her…” she replies

I shake my head. “No I can’t, cuz I’m not but that doesn’t mean I don’t need to move on. Last night opened my eyes Sam, there’s no going back, I can’t have Neela…”I lean forward and kiss her, but she resists, pulling away, or trying to before I grabbed her head, forced her into the lip lock with hopes the spark from the shower would return for another round. I lay her back on the bed, and she puts her hands between our bodes, trying to push me off of her, but I’m too strong, even with my injuries and I manage to hold her there, moving my kisses back down her neck once more.

“Ray no…” She whispers “Please Ray just get off me…no Ray…”

But I ignore her cries, running on pure instinct now, on lusty feelings I hadn’t felt since I began to over medicate myself with various kinds of drugs to numb the pain, when all along, this was what I needed…how could I have been so stupid? Destroying my body when all I needed was to get myself out and laid.

Suddenly I am seeing stars, and I knew it wasn’t for the reasons I wish I was, the pain in my groin was unbearable, and soon a pain in my head followed as I fell backwards off the bed and onto my back on the floor, Sam jumping off the bed and standing over me.

“When a girl says no Ray, she means no.” she says angrily, grabbing for her bra which was next to my head, putting it on quickly and glancing around the room, looking for her clothes. What the fuck was I thinking? All I needed was to get laid? And what, hurt the one person who seemed to understand me through this whole thing? That’s just great Ray, good job…asshole.

I lay there motionless on the floor, eyes closed listening to her pick up her clothes and what was left of her dignity and storm out. The apartment gets eerily quiet and I know she is gone, and I will probably never see her again…unless it was to hear her testify in court about how the cracked out junkie musician attacked her. I sigh, my good hand moving to rub my stomach where she had kneed me, only to discover that despite everything that had just happened, nothing had changed in my libido department. Great, even after getting kneed in the groin and stomach, I’m still hard as fuck.

I sigh and decide to take matters into my own hands, pulling myself off, trying to think of the last porno I watched, of any of my old girlfriends…of Neela. Anything but the images of shock, horror and disgust on Sam’s face. It takes a while, but soon the goodness comes, and I am once again back to laying on the floor motionless, breathing deeply, trying to enjoy the happy afterglow that was attempting to envelop me, trying to think of a way to fix everything…Sam, my life…what hadn’t I fucked up lately?

I slowly drift off to sleep, so lost in thought I barely notice. I know that this wasn’t good, and that there was a lot I was going to have to do to make it better…but whatever I had to do, I would do it…I had to. This wasn’t making Neela proud, this wasn’t getting better this was getting worse, much worse and I deserve more than that.

She deserves more then that.
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